All things considered, Etta is doing as well as can be expected after losing a husband of 65 years. She has said many times that "it feels like she is missing her right arm" and that she "feels lost". The vacancy on James' side of the room leaves a definite sense of vacancy in her heart. Emotionally, Etta has been quite aggitated since James passed away. Understandably, of course. So many emotions invading her mind, I am sure. She seems to be easily perked up when visitors arrive.
Etta DID NOT attend the graveside service on Thursday NOR does she know that it took place. While I felt such an incredible burden to devise a way for her to be there, every door was shut. Transportation. Her nurse couldn't go. No one seemed to support the idea. It would mean nearly 4 hours on the road. Her doctor said "it carried some level of risk" but was possible. The day before, she fell down. It was freezing cold. On Tuesday, I finally surrendered the notion of taking her. I needed to explore every single avenue in order to do that though. I realized I couldn't take the advice of others in this situation because then I would always have some level or regret and feelings of guilt. Because it became clearly impossible, I could accept that it was truly outside of my control. I did tell Etta that the family including James' brother/wife and sister/husband along with my entire family (parents, brother and family) did go to the graveside to see the headstone. I told her we brought flowers and we prayed together. Basically, I described a funeral without using the terminology. She was happy to hear we had done this. She was even happier to see us all return from the cemetery to see her! We packed her room and she was beaming!
Though James & Etta expressed a desire to be cremated, she is now saying that is not what James wanted. She then quickly says, "I need to see him again...one more time." Ah ha...and there's the underlying issue. Etta is holding on to the hope of seeing him again. I'm praying God helps me respond with words of comfort as I help her through this.
Last night, I asked her if we could plan to go to the graveside when the weather is warmer. She said that was a good idea but then said "that should be in a few days, right?" Two steps forward, one step back. To this I just said, "we'll see". This is the hardest part for me because I want her to know more but I also know that I have to live in her reality and minimize her pain. I've hurdled other difficult subjects with her and know that ultimately this will be something she and I work through together.
Also yesterday I had to sit down with Etta and inform her that she would likely have a roomate over the weekend. She was irate exclaiming, "That is James' bed! That is his closet...his dresser...his board...his recliner." She said, "I don't want some old woman...it would be a woman?...coming up in here now." She pleaded with me to find a way to prevent someone from moving in with her. This, though costly, could be arranged and it was very clear to me that Etta could not bear the idea of someone occupying his space in the room. Reasonably so, I thought. And with that, I kissed Etta on the forehead and told her I would fix this. I spoke to the Admissions office and arranged to keep her room set up just as it is and to keep it a private room. I realize there is a fine line between Etta needing some time to grieve and the potential help it might be to her to have company. The decision was made to keep it private through the end of the month and then reasses the situation at that time. Etta was relieved to hear this had been resolved so quickly. She said, "If I have company, they will have their own bed too." She always makes me smile when she says innocent things like this...though also sad because its confirmation that she really doesn't understand where she is and why. She was concerned about the cost of keeping the room private. Though it means paying nearly double, I told her it was less than $100 extra per month. She took pause and said, "Well, that's a little high, but I guess it can work!" Lord help us if she really knew the cost. LOL!
Below are some pictures of the family's visit after the burial.
Etta DID NOT attend the graveside service on Thursday NOR does she know that it took place. While I felt such an incredible burden to devise a way for her to be there, every door was shut. Transportation. Her nurse couldn't go. No one seemed to support the idea. It would mean nearly 4 hours on the road. Her doctor said "it carried some level of risk" but was possible. The day before, she fell down. It was freezing cold. On Tuesday, I finally surrendered the notion of taking her. I needed to explore every single avenue in order to do that though. I realized I couldn't take the advice of others in this situation because then I would always have some level or regret and feelings of guilt. Because it became clearly impossible, I could accept that it was truly outside of my control. I did tell Etta that the family including James' brother/wife and sister/husband along with my entire family (parents, brother and family) did go to the graveside to see the headstone. I told her we brought flowers and we prayed together. Basically, I described a funeral without using the terminology. She was happy to hear we had done this. She was even happier to see us all return from the cemetery to see her! We packed her room and she was beaming!
Though James & Etta expressed a desire to be cremated, she is now saying that is not what James wanted. She then quickly says, "I need to see him again...one more time." Ah ha...and there's the underlying issue. Etta is holding on to the hope of seeing him again. I'm praying God helps me respond with words of comfort as I help her through this.
Last night, I asked her if we could plan to go to the graveside when the weather is warmer. She said that was a good idea but then said "that should be in a few days, right?" Two steps forward, one step back. To this I just said, "we'll see". This is the hardest part for me because I want her to know more but I also know that I have to live in her reality and minimize her pain. I've hurdled other difficult subjects with her and know that ultimately this will be something she and I work through together.
Also yesterday I had to sit down with Etta and inform her that she would likely have a roomate over the weekend. She was irate exclaiming, "That is James' bed! That is his closet...his dresser...his board...his recliner." She said, "I don't want some old woman...it would be a woman?...coming up in here now." She pleaded with me to find a way to prevent someone from moving in with her. This, though costly, could be arranged and it was very clear to me that Etta could not bear the idea of someone occupying his space in the room. Reasonably so, I thought. And with that, I kissed Etta on the forehead and told her I would fix this. I spoke to the Admissions office and arranged to keep her room set up just as it is and to keep it a private room. I realize there is a fine line between Etta needing some time to grieve and the potential help it might be to her to have company. The decision was made to keep it private through the end of the month and then reasses the situation at that time. Etta was relieved to hear this had been resolved so quickly. She said, "If I have company, they will have their own bed too." She always makes me smile when she says innocent things like this...though also sad because its confirmation that she really doesn't understand where she is and why. She was concerned about the cost of keeping the room private. Though it means paying nearly double, I told her it was less than $100 extra per month. She took pause and said, "Well, that's a little high, but I guess it can work!" Lord help us if she really knew the cost. LOL!
Below are some pictures of the family's visit after the burial.
Earlier in the week, my brother Stephen and his family came up to visit Etta. This was the first time she had met her youngest great-grandchild, Luke. She was just THRILLED! She even got to hold him on her lap (with a little support, of course).